i have a feeling that Maxis is playing a screwed up trick with me and the boyfriend. seems like we always get our messages sent halfway. i.e. i send a message & it gets sent a bloody hour later. "we do it better?" yea, you guys suck at telco line servicing so much better.

anyhows, first day of holidays & i didn't go anywhere. basically stayed home the entire day rotting. it's a good rot btw, cz i've never felt so physially burned out from college ever. the idea to actually stay at home & do nothing sounds like the Hallelujah chorus to me.

It's already 16th December and I'm still not in the Christmassy mood. I really am not bothered with decorating the tree, or doing any Christmas preparations anymore. Shopping is done but i don't see it as Christmas shopping. It's just what it is - shopping.

Call me sadistic, but I really do not see us doing anything as family on that day. Yeah, we'll have the annual Christmas eve dinner. but do we all actually look forward to it? or do most of us do it because we want to or because we have to? if the latter is the answer, then forget about the dinner cz it'll be completely meaningless. why? cz we'll all be faking smiles on our faces, pretending that everything's ok and that we're all genuinely having a good time, when deep inside we just can't wait for the minute to go by faster so that we can go back to our own lives.

i'd rather spend Christmas with people who are truly there to celebrate it with me. I've had enough of pretenders lying to my face, acting as though everything's fine when everything's not. I've accepted the truth as it is a long time ago. although i'm not fine with it, i can live through it. but let me live with the truth out in the open, do not make me come home, having to gather the strength to 'believe' that everything's ok.

i did not set up the tree this year. but i used this picture as my desktop background. somehow looking at this, it gives me the warm, fuzzy feeling that i used to get during Christmas.

i miss that feeling. i wonder if i can ever get it back. or am i too torn deep within to get that feeling again?

studies, relationship, birthday.. whats new?

shit i need to start studying for my finals. but i don't have the mood. yea, i need the mood to study, sue me. well the goal of getting double As seem kinda far now. it's a real bummer cz i know i worked hard this term, but it's just so hard to get that A cz i did not do well in assignments.

i hope i can pull off a good job during my finals. i'm happy even if i managed to maintain the CGPA, just don't let it degrade please. i'll be really disappointed then cz i actually worked my butt off this term.

since i'm just too lazy to start studying, i was searching online for affordable short dresses. for Christmas & also for boyfriend's brother's wedding dinner.

taken from luvclothes

i didn't look up much cz i'm just too lazy. but yeah, the pink one's the favourite now but i don't think my body shape cz pull it off. i want something more casual too so that i can wear for other less formal occasions. so any suggestions, you know where to get me ;-)

i managed to get some pictures from my birthday at Space from Isabel. like finally.. not gonna post all of them. just a few :)

Isabel the crazy one & Jess the drunkard

Kenneth the paedo(Inside joke) & Lincoln the brother
MissBelinda, MrNiren & Isabel
Jaycee the artsy one
Noah, Obama of White House SEGi
cheeky twins - Hassan & Hossain
flaming that sucked
now that's just us =)
favourite shot of the night :D

thanks everyone for making that night extra special.
especially you baby, i appreciate you being there more than anything else.
you know why ;-)

emotional scene done and over with ;-)

ps: I miss having your arms around me, holding me tightly and never letting go. I miss your eyes staring at mine, and your lips on mine. I'd give anything, just to have you with me by my side every night, cuddling me with such love, that I sleep smiling.

an emotional scene

i can arrange all the pillows and bolster to surround me in bed, with the comforter covering over me, and yet i can still feel that aching coldness deep within. the kind that you try so hard to warm up but to no avail. That cold, sharp pain keeps coming back, and it's slowly making me numb.

it's numbing me inside out. i don't feel happy, nor do i feel sad, nor angry or any kind of emotion. I'm just numb. I've been sitting here, staring at the laptop for more than 2 hours, and do nothing, feeling nothing.

i tried so hard to put a smile on my face. it's a fake smile, really. one that takes up so much effort and strength, that at one point i just got exhausted doing so. i smiled so much, laughed so much, hoping that no one would notice anything. but as soon as i entered my room, tears started rolling down.

i walked around college today. although accompanied by a sea of people around me, i can't help but feeling alone the entire time. sure, i have everyone there to be with, but i felt as though i was sitting alone in a dark corner. everywhere i turn to, it's all in a blur, and it morphs into a piece of blankness. i was drowning in it.

i received my cert today, i should be happy. yet again the happiness was made believe. I should be genuinely happy for getting appreciated and recognized for my work, but i couldn't. like i said, i was neither happy, nor sad. i was plain emotionless.

scratch that. i do feel something. I'm lying to myself, being in denial for what truly exists in my heart. I feel sadness and disappointment. not at anyone else, but at myself. i feel stupid and moronic, for going back on my words when I've made a promise not to. this kind of disappointment and dejection i feel, i can't take it away at all. it's like a shattered piece of glass, stuck within my blood veins. every move that i take, the cut gets deeper and the pain gets worse.

but there's no way of removing that pain. for i have brought it upon myself. the scars will always be there to remind me of how foolish and how much of a liar i am. the wound will always be there, waiting to be grazed open and the sea of pain would come crushing in.

i dreamt of somewhat a happier scene last night. i almost fell for that dream. I actually felt relieved then, but even then i realized that i was only dreaming for something that's the entire opposite. immediately i woke up, realizing that i've been crying in my sleep.

PC fair's a bitchy event to attend

I'm actually suffering from a headache now as an adverse effect. ok, I lack of sleep as well but the pc fair triggered it. i was there to accompany the boyfriend and his mum, as well as to look for mp3 bargains but to no avail. i guess i wasn't looking hard enough either because the crowd just turned me off. i freaking hate really crowded area. kinda claustrophobic me think.

another week and a half to go, and i'll be sitting for my final examinations for the term. I haven't started studying btw, so fmylife. i don't even have the freaking mood to complete my assignment. I'm actually leaving it until the very last minute again. wtf is wrong with me? i was so damn semangat to do well this term, but i've already lost the mojo. right a week before finals to boot. this must not happen! I have to reach my target of double As. i can't let myself down for going easy again.

Christmas is coming soon. I swear I didn't realize until Nico mentioned that he was looking forward to heading back to Sabah. Christmas seems so meaningless to me this year. I haven't even set up the Christmas tree. I have a good mind of not doing so either. Too lazy, and I'm just too tired with decorating the tree alone. It's a sad, sad situation. You come from a family of 5, and you're the only one who actually gives a shit about the Christmas tree for the past i don't know how many years. So why bother? better just celebrate it personally with the loved ones who actually cares. a day with the boyfriend would be the perfect Christmas. *hint hint* =)

aite aite. talk to you guys some other day. headache's getting worse..... Goodnight everyone =)
oh and boyfriend, if you're reading this - ILY very very much. muaxx!

Sah dengan cop SIRIM Parents =)

weeheehee I'm so happy right now. you know why? cz my parents are cool with me and the boyfriend =) i know i know, a lot of people would say there's nothing much to be happy about cz it's normal. but I'm just really happy about it. although i know earlier on that they will approve the relationship, nothing beats the feeling of finally letting it out face to face.

i was racking my brain on how to let my parents know about our relationship. it was hard, cz i really want them to accept him. i wanted to break the news to them in the nicest and sweetest way possible, cz that's how much he means to me. so for the past 2-3 weeks, i've had the scenario going again and again in my mind. i decided, today will be the day.

so when i was out with mummy, i mentioned that he said hi and about him stuck in congestion at the ongoing PC fair in KLCC. she just smiled most of the time. believe me, my heart was racing when i wanted to tell her, scared at the same time. i got a real shock when mummy initiated the topic though. it was so out of the blue, i was caught off guard.

coversation otw home...

mummy: so are you serious with him?
me: yeah
mummy: owh ok...
me: you knew? how did you know? does papa know?
mummy: ya... even a blind person can see
me: *starts smiling*

the conversation went on about other stuff. Topics that showed my mum actually CARES about the boyfriend, and about our relationship. ngehehe no more hiding from them about us!

Haven't you heard? opposites attract =)

So i guess me and the boyfriend getting together was a complete shocker to many people in college. Why am i not surprised =D anyways, I'm too darn lazy to elaborate on that, the story would unfold itself in due time, i think.

I was hanging out with some friends, and realized that next week will be the last week before we step into the exam hall for our final examinations. and whoop-dee-doo! both my papers are on the same day. I have no idea if i should be happy or be upset about it. Oh well, just gotta start studying earlier.

Another reality struck upon me - I am actually almost done with a year in SEGi. can't believe that this time last year, I was bumming around after quitting from Sunway. I feel good, honestly. This life that I have now, I enjoy it more than what I had in Sunway. This course that I'm doing, I feel that it suits me more than Events Management.

Yes, although the workload is crazy much - 8 week course(short semester), 2-3 assignments for each course, participations, topic papers, presentations, examinations, White House. but I'm happy and I'm satisfied with it. I feel a sense of belonging here that I did not feel at all when I was in Sunway. I feel so comfortable with the healthier lifestyle that I have here, that I'm so glad I made the right decision to leave Sunway.

Now now, this does not mean that Sunway is a bad place to pursue your education. I blame myself for getting sidetracked. For not using my head to think straight at that time and let myself wander in 'lost' happiness. What I'm trying to say is, it is always better to be in a course where you feel a sense of belonging and joy in learning. You'd be thrown through the mother of all hardships, and still you take them all with a broad smile on your face.